Angels and Demons

I've been struggling with some relationships lately, and it's forcing me to look more within myself, with a humble heart, and question where it's all stemming from. Granted, I can't solely blame myself for all of the issues that are swirling around through conversations, emails, phone calls, thoughts, assumptions, energy, feelings and what not.... But I am willing to own my part. What I thought was the most important relationship to focus on and deal with was the one I share with my husband. However, after several weeks of attempting, failing, attempting, failing, it finally occurred to me... It's my relationship with God that first needs my attention, time, energy, heart, soul, blood and guts. I know through years of experience that in my own life, if my spiritual health is suffering, everything in my life suffers: my focus turns to food and exercise, I have to clean my house more, I wash my hands when they don't need it, my weight drops, my relationships falter, and my self-loathing intensifies.... It can get ugly. And in all honesty, when I look back over my life - my patterns, vulnerabilities, triggers - I am fully convinced that I have been knee-deep in a spiritual battle since the day I was born. Now, this belief isn't a cop-out, a crutch, or an excuse to say "It hasn't been my fault that I am the way I am." But it is as if I have been a threat to this enemy that lingers around us all, ready to pounce on either an easy target or a severe threat to his purpose. Hell, maybe I have great things to offer this world... Maybe deep down, I am POWERFUL! And yet, I have not gained the strength to end this battle once and for all and be all that I can be - all that I was meant to be. But I refuse to give up. I've come close, but it's not gonna happen. Every day I am closer to the freedom that awaits me - the woman I long to be. Some days I take five steps forward and other days I take two steps back... But over all, I'm in the lead. I am 31 years old, and sometimes I feel like it's too late - like I'm too far into my life for a drastic, permanent transformation. But then I recognize that this thought comes from no where else but my inner demons.

I see my life as an onion - layers being peeled away, bit by bit, causing some tears, but resulting in satisfying flavors along the way. And I remember to ask myself, what's more painful - changing or remaining the same? I'm willing to give change a shot. But not to say that I suck -that I've always sucked... I've never been a bad person. I can even say that I've liked a lot of things about myself throughout my life. It's just been particularly difficult for me to surrender and let go of fears and anger. I've denied living with pain, and so the wounds have grown deeper by the minute, causing me to turn to a life of imprisonment, in some ways. But now that I'm finally choosing to recognize and accept this truth, I am better equipped to humble myself, reach out to God with open arms, and say, "Okay, I'm ready to grasp this love You've been pursuing me with for so long and allow You to heal my broken heart." At least, today I am.