Wednesday, February 3, 2010

No Title

There are few things worse than a sleepless night... when your mind just won't shut off, when you go back and forth between your bed and the couch countless times throughout the night, when you see the clock go from 1:30 Am to 2:45 AM to 4:10 AM, until, right when you think you can drift off, the baby is up. This is one of those nights... Although, right now the clock says 2:28 AM. I have about 3 hours until Little Miss Fi awakes. Until then, well, I shall choose to use this quiet time alone to do some serious thinking and praying about the things that she easily distracts me from, as well as attempt some writing. Hmmm.... That can be a scary idea, though. I'm not sure who all reads/follows "Reality Writes" other than the writers themselves, but I'm going to go out on a limb and ramble away anyway. And at 2:31 AM, I'm not concerned much about grammar or punctuation. My writing has been so out of practice for at least two years now that I can't even consider myself a writer anymore.... Although, I'm striving to get back there. It was always a happy place for me. So, okay, here goes.... Today my husband and I met with our marriage counselor, as we have been weekly for about six months now. We had an exceptionally ugly fight yesterday morning, wounding one another pretty badly. So in our session today, I said in all seriousness, "We're done. I'm done. I want out. The idea of being free from this marriage makes me giddy with excitement, makes me feel lighter than a feather. I am so done. I'll get a job and move out, but my daughter stays with me." My husband sat there quietly, as he always does. (Although he did say that I wouldn't get our daughter.) It's been bad for a few years now, but getting worse and worse. He's been so angry and resentful towards me, because of this eating disorder that he married four years ago, and I'm so angry and hurt, because he can't love me despite it. All I've wanted is to know that I am loved and accepted today, as is, not as can be or will be. I'll admit, I've treated him like shit. I don't know how to show a man respect or honor. I don't know how to share control. I have a lot to learn. I do need to change in some big ways. I need to stop judging. I need to let down my ugly pride. I need to learn how to trust others. I need to say no to fear. I need to let go of my addiction to being alone. But this all sounds so incredibly overwhelming to me. How do you change after being a certain way for over twenty years? I'm thirty one years old and I've survived on my own - on my own terms - most of that time. And then I think, what kind of an example is that to my little girl??? Do I want her to turn out like me? Hell no! But okay, Emily... What do you like about yourself? Maybe that can be a first step in actually changing the negative? Focusing on the positive? If you're reading this, you may be thinking how painful it must be to be me. I would. But I will honestly say, I do love my life. I love so much about it. I love, of course, my daughter, more than life itself. I love, love, love Colorado. I love my girlfriends. I love my home. I love Fort Collins. I love my yoga classes. I love the possibilities that lie before me! What I don't love is my fear. I don't love that I can't just be - just allow myself to feel the joy of being alive. Change. What does that look like? How does that happen? What specific black and white steps does one take to become more of a free spirit???

It's 2:53 AM now and I am praying that no one actually ends up reading this post. It has no point - no beginning or end. It's me, Emily, sleep-deprived, stressed, scared, lonely, confused, angry and rambling. A new friend asked me earlier tonight, "Could you be pushing Nate away because he wants to take something from you that you don't want to let go of?" At that moment, I hated her. She figured me out. I've known her for maybe a month. Am I that obvious??? I have a lot of work ahead of me. Where do I start? A good night's sleep would probably help.


Elisabeth said...

Em, we are reading and listening... I am not one to give advice BUT just keep moving forward one step at a time - you can't change everything all at once. And I think that you are a great writer!

Kristina Lim said...

Emily, keep writing, keep loving. {hug} see you soon said...

All of the above Em. We all have heaps and heaps of stuff to work on, you are SO not alone in this. My Mom always said "We all have our crosses to bear", and I agree. Those crosses just come in a multitude of expressions. And YES keep writing...that is the way we find our own souls. Who we are at the heart of the matter.

Hugs and see you soon,


Peg said...

Emily, sometimes rambling is needed, and writing helps us figure things out. Even if we don't know where the writing leads us, it is always valuable and we learn from it. Looking forward to seeing you soon.