...and counting...

Today is my birthday. I have been plagued all day about a question someone asked me last night at our monthly women’s circle. “What are your hopes for this year?” she wondered. I was taken aback. Not by the question, but by my neglect in taking into account what my wishes for myself would be for the next year. Had I not even considered that I should have any?

Needless to say, I did spend quite a bit of time today, wondering and deeply thinking about what it is I really want for myself. And wow, is that hard, in so many ways. But wow, when you actually give yourself time and permission to think about it, how amazingly easy you feel the answers rising up from the well of your being.

So, at 11:45 on my birthday I sit here brainstorming wishes for this year, my 37th year on planet earth, having this profoundly amazing human experience…

1. I wish to run. I wish to run not because I like it, because I don’t, at all. In fact I have to talk myself into getting onto the treadmill more often than not. I like to sweat; it is kind of like a wet stinky reward for your efforts. I am just not a fan of self inflicted pain. Which running totally is; self inflicted pain. The shining light for me though, is how I feel afterwards, and for the next few days, and how I am happier somehow. I feel full of possibilities, secure that those possibilities will even bear fruit. I will run for the sake of sanity.

2. Trust my spiritual path. Trusting only in myself, leads to so much more confusion than is necessary.

3. Find Mother Nature. I have lost her these years as a Mom of small babes. I miss hiking, in the sun, smelling the dirt, the pine needles, and the trees with each inhalation of my breath. I need that for me. I am keenly aware of the nature that goes on around me, in the suburbs, on a daily basis, yet I miss feeling part of it. The feeling of oneness with all that is, as you take that final step to the top of a mountain. Yeah, I need more of that.

4. Oh God. Truth be told, I must do something about my sugar habit. I want to be able to just accept what is and know that I reach for sugar for all things healing. But I also know how bad that little addiction is for me, and how not good for my mood, focus, anxiety it is…I will need to come to some honest terms with the monkey on my back this year…not just for the remorse I thrust upon myself, but for my all around health.

5. I will cease to try and make myself feel guilty for who I am not, the mother, wife, athlete, etc, and I will fall in utter and complete love with all of who I am…

6. I will indulge in road trips. Even ones in which I am not alone. Even ones in which I am alone. Even the ones that only last a few hours. I am relearning I desperately need them to feel rejuvenated and ready to face the monotonous aspects of daily life with a gracious heart.

7. I will take more risks. Life is only getting shorter by the minute. That sense of fully living, in the depth of your being, from a place of excitement and wonder, which I know is there somewhere, needs to come out and play at this dang party.

8. I want to write madly and passionately, because it works for me, it is a friend beyond that of which I ever could have imagined.

9. I will continue to learn about gardening. I suck at it. Royally. But I love it. The peace, the solace, my amazement at the creativity of the universe reflected in what actually does manage to survive in my yard. It fills a real primordial need in me of connection.

10. Simple, simple, simple living. Fresh food, homemade gifts when possible, becoming more resourceful and creative; enjoying the simple pleasures life offers in abundance. Presence. Delicious.

11. I commit this year to my family. I know this list seems overall awfully narcissistic, being all about my dreams and all. But I am startlingly aware that my cup needs to be fuller as I continue to pour from it to so many others. So my hope too, would be to create a life with my husband and my children, full of passions and new discoveries made together. Dreams we once spoke about often then let go of on the breeze as our children took center stage. We also had dreams for the example we would be for our children in simple living, at least I did, and we have yet to focus on those well. I will leave some space for those dreams that have yet to take root…

Big list. I am not intimidated. And hey, it’s my friggin’ birthday. It is allowed to be mostly about me.