If I had to pick one word for my state of mind right now, that word would be "fragile". I am stuck in what I would call a "funk" bordering on melancholy and I need to do something to dig myself out of it.
Part of it has to do with my daughter's snowboard accident last week. It threw my world out of rhythm and I am suddenly worried about everything and everyone. I can't feel happiness and optimism right now and I'm finding it hard to smile. I'm not sure why. Maybe it is some sort of post-traumatic accident syndrome. I dealt with the horrific moments of anxiety of not knowing what was wrong with her, to the great relief that she would be ok. Somewhere in that wild mood swing, I got stuck at the bottom.
As long as I have had something to keep me occupied, I have been able to cope. First came several doctor's appointments, the missed days of school, and the horrible thoughts of how bad the accident could have been. I have always been the one who is strong through any crisis and keeps a brave face on for the world. I am always the calm and level-headed "go-to" person. I usually don't dwell on the what-ifs. I was under control when I was dealing with the science and facts of the accident; the who, what, when, where.
However, I found myself in the high school counselor's office this week working on a plan to get my daughter caught back up at school, and I quite literally fell apart. No warning. I began describing what I knew of the accident to her, and suddenly I was sobbing uncontrollably. It started with watery eyes and ended up with black mascara running down my face, and numerous kleenex being thrust into my hands. It was like the release of all of the strain I had bottled up inside of me suddenly burst out. I had not wanted anyone to see how hard this had been on me, so I hid the stress of it all, until the dam broke. What better place to break down than a counselor's office? The counselor was wonderful through this episode but I walked out feeling like I had failed myself. I showed myself to be weak.
When it comes to emotions, I realized that I am fragile. Usually when life kicks me down, I get right up and dust myself back off, but this time I am slow to get back up. There have been a few worries and sadness in my life recently, and they are taking a toll on my ability to stay positive. For me, that is unusual. I feel vulnerable and scared that something else will happen to someone I love.
I am trying to focus on a few positive things each day until I climb out of this valley and feel like myself again. Today while driving I turned a corner and came upon a herd of buffalo grazing in a field, with the snow-covered mountains as a backdrop, and the sun shining brightly above them.
That made me smile.
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