Thursday, June 24, 2010

Decisions decisions


I nervously dropped off job applications at the mall. I didn’t want to. I did it because it’d be nice to have some extra money this summer (for the kids) and because I might need some time away. Some time to not worry about house and kids, some time just to be me. Working at the mall was the only place I could think of where I could still be a “full time” mom working only evenings and weekend and I even have retail experience from my collage years.

I don’t know if I will get hired or even go on an interview, still I can’t help feeling nervous. I have been home with my kids for almost 4 1/2 years (their whole lives). I know I need time away from them sometimes but the thought of leaving them for many hours at a time a few days a week to work makes me sick in the stomach. I feel silly thinking that because so many moms have to work, or want to work and not only part time, but full time. I guess I’m so used to being with them that I know nothing else, my home, husband and kids are my comfort zone.

Sometimes I feel like I forget how to socialize; I talk to kids all day long. When I do go out I feel weird sometimes because I don’t have much to say. And then I worry; I’m not nice enough, funny enough or the least bit interesting (even though I know I am those things, at least at home). How will that work out at a job?

Do I even know how to work anymore? I know how to be a mom; well at least I try. Is giving my kids choices to solve a problem similar to bringing a customer a few different outfits to try on? Is folding laundry, dealing with a tantrum and trying to get my husbands attention for help similar to working the cash register, dealing with an unsatisfied customer while smiling?

I love being home with my kids. I want to be there for them and I don’t want to miss anything. I want them to be happy. But maybe we’ll all be even happier with some time apart and some extra money to take them places this summer.

Leaving my kids to work is something I have no clue to what it would be like, it’s unknown and unfamiliar. So here I am worrying about something that might never happen? And I don’t know if I should try harder to make it happen. Who knows, it could be amazing, for them and me.


YogaSavy said...

You will be surprised what you will be able to do when work faces you. It is hidden somewhere within you.
You are a mom and that role has many hidden gifts.

Kristina Lim said...

I would feel apprehensive about the social aspects of a job - sometimes I feel like all I know how to talk about is mom/kid stuff. This may stretch you, but will make you a fuller person. I hope you find great people to work with!