Time

We recently visited friends whose eldest is off to college in the fall. He is a boy-man at 6’5” and over 200 pounds. He is beautiful like a J. Crew model. He lazes around looking like he is waiting. Waiting for his life to begin, waiting for the adventure of college. My husband and his friend sat drinking and recalling those days. Stories were told. Memories of a different place revisited.

How is it possible that our children are grown when it feels like I am still a child? And how would I feel to be his mother? Looking at him, almost too big to hug. How did my mother feel when I went off to college? Was it relief or an unbearable separation? I was scared but felt free. Excited at the possibility of beginning.

But now, time is playing tricks on me. I know she does not stand still, yet I am always surprised when I look in the mirror – expecting to see someone else. I never would have plastic surgery I used to say, but now the idea is beginning to tempt. My daughter grows more beautiful and I more ugly. Did the women who came before me feel the same? Were they jealous or did they find comfort in the knowledge of all that came before?

I cannot slow it down or make it stop. I can only embrace and appreciate all that life has given me. I will learn to love myself the way I am today.