Friday, August 6, 2010

Home Is Where the Heart Is!

I've been sitting cross-legged on my couch in my living room as my little girl sleeps soundly in her bedroom, thinking, I love my home. I rent an old 1200 square foot Old Town home with my husband and 2 year old daughter. It's small and needs a million and one repairs (which includes a new roof), but it's cozy, with big windows facing every direction, so that there is always available light and fresh air, a fun kitchen with plenty of room for socializing in while cooking, a front porch perfect for sitting out on with a glass of wine in the summer evenings... It's got everything I need to be content. But these past several months, as I have emptied the dishwasher, done yoga poses on the living room floor, cooked a pot of black beans on the stove, or danced to "Hey Soul Sister" around the rooms with my little girl, my mind has wandered over to the reality that I might have to part with these everyday experiences soon. And it's breaking my heart. I love everything about my life... except for one thing - my marriage. As I have done all that is in my control to save it, which includes counseling, prayer, being as nice as an emotionally abused woman can be, etc., I have come to terms with the fact that, unfortunately, it takes two, and there is nothing that I can do to change the other's heart. My husband has no desire to make this marriage work. Rejected. Ouch. So what do I do? What is an unemployed mom of a two year old supposed to do? Every time I log onto a website for some type of social services I get this incredible fog and sense of fatigue over my mind, which brings me to put it off until another day. Because hey, maybe tonight he'll come home from work and give me a hug! Hell, maybe he'll look at me! But the days go by and I am left wondering again what in the world I am supposed to do. So I go about my days as usual, as if nothing is wrong, taking care of my daughter and my home, cooking, cleaning, running errands, spending money that now feels wrong for me to spend, since I am not the one making it... But still, I pray. I pray a lot. God, I know that You're here, but are You just watching me? Are you just hangin out, thinking, "This is the result of all your mistakes over the years"? Okay, I don't really believe that. But good grief, I am at a total loss. Either my husband's heart must change drastically, or sooner than later I am going to have to make the choice to build myself a new life, with my daughter. I know that I can do it... Women do it all the time. But never in a million years, growing up, did I imagine myself possibly having to experience a divorce, seek out welfare and be a single mom one day. Speaking of mom... If only she were alive. Isn't that what moms are for? Wouldn't life be so much easier if she were still here? Oh, the "what-if's". The "should've's". Those'll kill a person. I can't go there. Maybe this season of my life is a blessing in disguise. Maybe God is actually sitting next to me saying, "Oh, just you wait... I've got a 3000 square foot house full of open doors ready for you to walk through!"

8 comments:

Elisabeth said...

Em, LOVE the one paragraph rant... it is a perfect way to expess yourself - I feel like I completely understand how you feel. I wish I could do something to help (but I know I cannot).

hope to see you at the FAC tonight?

and thanks for blogging!

E

Peg said...

Emily, I too have been there with a husband who didn't want to work on the marriage, and admitted he was the problem but didn't want to improve himself or the marriage. I know it is so hard, especially with no income. The right answer will come to you and you will not look back. Let me know if I can help.
Peggy

Em said...

You girls rock... Thank you so, so much for the support and encouragement!!!! I seriously feel so alone - like EVERY couple I see is totally in love and in a fabulous marriage. I find myself burning with jealousy every where I go and fantasizing about a different life. It's not healthy and I need to stop. Life is about WAY more than a man and marriage, right!?!? :) This probably hasn't been the best time in my life to be reading "Eat, Pray, Love" either... Or maybe it's been the perfect time? :) Anyway, thanks again and see you girls soon!

Kristina said...

Emily I truly hate the struggle you are in.

I will keep praying for you.

One Girl Creative said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
One Girl Creative said...

Emily, what a wonderfully written piece. Thank you so much for sharing this with us and opening up your heart. I'm sorry you're going through this but ultimately, I know you will persevere because you're a strong individual.

If you ever need a shoulder, I'm here.

Suzanne

Kristin said...

Oh, those dark moments are so terrifying, not knowing what the future may hold or even yet, taking the first steps of a drastically different direction.

But you're right - many women have done it before and you can too.

www.theevolvinghomemaker.com said...

Ouch.

Don't fool yourself, every other marriage out there is NOT full of matrimonial bliss. It ain't. I can't remember the last time my husband hugged me either...just for the sake of it. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce...so 50% of those people you are looking at aren't happy at all.

I wish you heaps of luck on this journey you are on. I know how terrifying that feels. My Mom did it, with three girls, no job, and in 1975.

Yes it can be done. That doesn't mean it will be easy by any means.

Hugs!

:)
Jen